Lonesome

Just when I thought I am the loneliest person in the world...
And old man walked into the restaurant..
"How can I help you, Sir?"
"Table for one please."
"This way please."
"My partner, the other person is gone."
"Really? Where did that person go?"
"She's gone forever."
He, however, still managed to put a smile on his face.
Maybe, he did not want me to feel bad for him.
Maybe, he is already used to it.
Maybe, he is trying to hide the pain he has inside.
Maybe, he is weird.
Or maybe, he is just a lonely old man.

That moment, I asked myself.. What am I to compare with this guy?
My loneliness is temporary.. I do have friends.
I do have family.
They are just not here, at this current moment.

But,
His loneliness is permanent.
Whenever we lose someone, we tell ourselves that person will always be in our heart.
But things won't be the same without being able to touch that person.
Knowing that person is around watching you, but never could be sure.

When the wind blows, I feel you.
When my door closes, I feel you.
When the bird flies, I feel you.
When there's butterfly, I feel you.
But where exactly are you?

I guess learning how to appreciate someone is crucial.

Thank you old man.

Now I am even more scared of growing old.

Stage

Let's hope I am going to finish writing before I decide to hit "Back" button and choose not to save this blog. I have this complicated feeling that I want to tell the world, but I don't know how am I going to put this into words.

Today was a long day of pretty good flash back.
I finally get to have my favorite kind of "busy."
I spent whole day working on stage, and even though it's hard, it's my favorite thing to do.
It was almost like how it used to be...
Woke up early in the morning... checked.
Spend more than half a day at the venue building stages.... checked.
But too bad I had to go work in between.
I got my work done, but I missed the fun.
And by the time I got back, time to break all setups and load them back to truck.
Final checkup...
then go home.
I felt like something is missing.
Maybe because it ended too soon.
Maybe because I missed the most important part of it.
Maybe I was too tired.
Maybe I am having my "down" period.
Maybe I am just being emo.
I guess I am not missing the kind of hectic I used to have.
Nobody like being tired, although it feels good.
It's not the exhaustion that I missed, it's the fun.
The fun getting together early in the morning and have breakfast together.
The fun putting pieces together.
The fun having breaks in between.
Also, the ending...
Hugging each other, telling each other what a wonderful job u've done.
And then go have some bak kut teh on the way home.
A table full of hungry and tired kids, finishing uncountable meatballs.
And laugh about how it happened....


*sigh*

.in.a.nutshell.

Time to do some bullshitting after so long.
I feel like such a big liar. All this time I've been lying to myself.
No matter how often I say I don't care about going back home,
every night I secretly look at old pictures and miss my people back there.
People is such a ambiguous and broad word.
Let's break it down..
My family, my mum and dad especially.
I almost forgot how good it feels like having mum waiting for me at home with delicious food.
I miss you so much, Mum.
But I dare not to think about you, 'cause that will be too sad.
I tell myself that I like being busy.
The truth is I love the sweetness of doing nothing.
Just living my life, enjoy every single moment.
I told myself I am tough, and I don't need anyone.
I can do anything by my own,
but deep inside I always wanted a friend.
A friend just to be around with.
So no matter how strong I look on the outside,
deep inside I am fragile and weak.
I need protection too, just like any other girls.
I miss home too, just like any other human being who are thousand miles away.

Oh my goodness, another midnight blues.

Road

Life is like a road...
We are cars, driven by our souls.
Imagine driving on a road that has no turns, no ups and downs.. no red lights.
No other cars around you..
Just you alone.. on a straight and smooth road.
No chance for bumpy rides.
At first, it might sound like a good idea.
But imagine driving on such a road for years.. and years.
It's boring.
We get lost sometimes, and in this road of life there is no U-turn.
But there will always be a right or left turn.
Lost,
Being lost is not necessarily a bad thing.
We find alternative routes,
we discover other ways to live this life.
And sometimes we might find places we never been,
places so beautiful that you wonder why you never pass by.
This is not an easy journey,
but it's an exciting one.
And soon you'll find yourself in love with driving,
you love to move your wheels and explore.
Don't stop in the middle and think this road is going no where.
This road will end someday,
and before it happens, you want to get there.
Get there and watch the sunset.

Backstreet Boys

Yesterday at Gay Pride I managed to catch a glimpse of Backstreet Boys.
Boy, it was a long day. I almost missed them, and well, I actually missed them.
I did not know why I was so desperate to see them,
"are they still popular?" No, not really.
But I guess now I understand why.

I was about 10, obsessed with Toy Box and Vengaboys.
Then I found Westlife.
Then it was "As Long As You Love Me" that I kept re-playing for n times.
Then I was officially a fan of boybands.
Westlife, BSB, N*sync, A1, etc...

Yesterday at the Gay Pride I realized how far I've come.
Being a young girl, I never thought I would meet them.
Let's make it clear, it's not just about Backstreet Boys.
I never thought that I will be here today, America.
It felt so far away, like two different worlds.
It's like living in American dream...

What I Like About U

A few days ago, I posted this on my Facebook status : "

If you like this status, I'll post on your
wall something I like about you or a memory I have of us.

So 23 friends liked it and just like promised, I go to their walls and start writing about things that I like about them. At first, it was hard.... then it gets easier. The more I write the longer it gets. I guess I do enjoy writing good things about people, that makes me miss them more. The more I write, the easier it is to trigger memories. I wanna remember what I've said, so Imma re-write it here.

To Wijoyo:

I love wijoyo because he is a good 'koko,' and by calling him koko means free breakfast, lunch, and dinner, sometimes supper too hahaha :D He acts like a big brother, and whenever we're home he would give us his bed~ a real gentleman, ladies. He is cool because he loves mie babi, and never changed the profile picture w...e set for him. I like him simply because there are so many things about him that this wall wouldnt fit. :D

To Riani:

I ♥ Riani because she is the best :) We had good times in Assclass and when Im not around she shows her love to my mum instead, which makes me love her more hahahaha :) and about 360 days ago, she surprised me at GI Starbucks with a candle on a Avocado Chocolate cake ♥ ♥ ♥ How could I not love this girl, hahahahaha!

To Jason:

Jason is cool because he grows younger, not older, and I'm jealous. He is always there during bad times and good times, with motorcyle, kancil or soon limousine. He is cooler now since he no longer drives motor and no more helmet to make his hair looks funny. He is even cooler now cause he has this cool camera and I ca...n't wait to go back and let him take cool pictures of me :)

To Loo Ye Qi:

I love this girl because she just wrote the sweetest thing I've ever heard ♥ My Love for her is More Than Words. She taught me that friendship can be forever When you Believe. She is What I go to School For~ and although now she may be more than a Thousand Miles away, it doesn't take us 24/7 to become best friends. I ...wish that I could fly to her this Summer and we'll watch the latest Harry Potter, cause it will not be the same without her. there will be no fun British accent practice after Potter.

And although we don't talk to each other a lot, I know when I think of
her somewhere in this world she is 'smiling back at me.' Some girls are too missy, some are too loud, and she is somewhere in between and that is the perfect place I wanna be. She is my sanctuary, and when I'm around her I know I am safe to talk and... do whatever i like and she will never change the way she looks at me. I am me when I'm with her, I don'thave to act smart, act pretty, or act nice; cause she knows me. I wish she is right here next to me with her gigolo t-shirt XD i have a playlist of songs that remind me of her~ I listen or sing to those songs when I miss her, and I've been listening to them a lot lately :)

To Henry:

HENRY! ♥ Henry is such a teddy bear, and i feel like to hug him all the time, he looks the cutest when he is tired and sleepy. One day on our way home on a Tg. Bungah bus, there was an old lady standing next to us, Henry turned to me with tears in his eyes, and he said : " Tris, saya sedih melihat nenek yang kasian in...i, Imma give my seat to her." So there he goes, standing for the next 30minutes and his tears kept falling down as he got sleepier :) He has this mini bicycle for 5-10years-old, and he would ride it around and sometimes he would give Joshua a ride and when they appeared in front of my house, I couldn't stop laughing :D

We used to ride to school on a same car, and it was great because he's the first person I see everyday, that brings sunshine to my day~! He's even cuter when he has his guitar with him~ and no matter how bad my singing is, he will always make me sing :) He has a very Ass-y attitude, which is a good man who is patient, ...kind, and generous.. at the same time, crazy :p He gets crazy randomly, that makes him a very very fun person to be with :D I have not met him in 2.5 years, and I miss him SO BAD!!!! D': I know that when we meet, he will jump up and down with me :)

And I forgot to mention this : "He is also the one who held my hands through darkness in a treasure hunt." :D

To Shiang:

Shu Xiang a.k.a xiao xiao ren is like the Sun that will never runs out of rays, and when she is around, I'm not afraid of 2012 being the end of the world. Xiang is the most helpful friend, and she will always help with a smile on her face :) She is so bright, she chases away all the clouds. Thus, there will be no rain.

To Wan Ting:

Wan Ting is the best and China should thank her for making a good example to the world, and because of her, I have this stereotype that everyone from Shenyang is nice. She sounds like my cousin and treated me like one~ lol :D and everymorning I would come to class and asked her "zen me bann.." and she always gives me good advices~ I ♥ Wan Ting!!!!!!

While writing to other friends was fun.. writing to these guys is a flashback of memories. I miss them so much, and after so long, I still can't get over u guys. Thinking about the past makes me smile, the silly things we do together, the sweet and bitter in life.

:')

Airplanes

Go youtube and search AIRPLANES, I'm obsessed with that song right now.
Not because DJ keeps playing it on the ray-dee-oh, but I love the message that it tries to present.

Life, is sometimes a struggle,
and a lot of times, we got so helpless, all we could do is to wish upon a star.
Our dream is driven by imagination,
we can't help ourselves but keep pretending that reality works the other way round.
Motivation comes from imagination,
even things are not going the way we wanted it to be,
we keep telling ourselves that life is fair.
And in this imagination, we keep pretending.
Let's say.. if good things is going to happen,
life will be good,
I will be happy,
I will succeed,
I will... whatever I wished it would be.

Now we are standing at the edge of dream,
looking down the cliff of reality,
looking up at the sky wishing for a shooting star.
Hundreds, thousands, millions of stars are shining, but none are moving.
Helplessly,
we wonder... can we pretend the airplanes at the night sky are shooting stars?
'Cause we could really use a wish right now.