The Worst of the Fs

May 19th 10:12 p.m. Asian American Final exam in11 hours, but I just can't seem to put my mind in the studies. It's wandering in the air, worrying about what should be worried for the next two weeks. Another two tough weeks before my Summer holiday starts officially on the SQ flight.

Here again, thought of calling my father but couldn't pick up the phone to do so. I tried to make it weekly thing, I really did. But it always took me a long time to get prepared, and sometimes until I urgently need to talk to him. Thoughts, lots of thoughts. Who know what is going to happen once I hang up the phone. Will it be a good conversation that will keep me smiling for the rest of the night? or will it be another heartbreak that will keep flashing old sad memories all night long and keep me awake? I don't know. My heart beats faster as I'm waiting for him to pick up the phone, I don't know what to expect. Everytime I can't help myself but feeling pathetic for having this kind of feeling while calling my own father. Sometimes he didn't pick up the phone, I hesitated trying again. I guess maybe God is trying to tell me that this is not the right time to call. Try again next time. There is a little sin of relieve. Alright, next time. But next time will be too long, and so it felt like we never really talked.

Family has always been the worst F of all Fs. Father is a sad word too. I try to remember myself all the time how he used to be such a great Dad. Yes, when he used to swing me with his hands and carry me on his back, he could crack the hardest pea open just to show me what's inside. I don't know since when, he just stopped being that father he used to be. I guess my family has always been a sad drama, but he managed to cover that up during my early childhood. I was happy and away from that sad truth. But now I can't help myself but to see things clearer and realized that world is not as beautiful as I used to think. It's full of grief.

I will be alright, I definitely will. Although I need someone to talk, but I found it even dangerous when you pick the wrong person to talk to. I did, told a friend. She didn't try to make me feel better, not as I remember. She reminded me how lucky she is for having a good father, and send me her empathy.